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Healthy Relationships vs Love Addiction

Love Relationship Therapist

Are you breaking away from a toxic relationship?

Moving from one relationship to another?

Have huge expectations that a partner cannot live up to your needs?

Healthy Relationship vs Love Addiction

What is a love addiction?

'Love and relationship addict' is a name used to describe what happens when someone becomes dependent on the object of their love. Love addicts are addicted to the “high” of the feeling of “being in love”. When they lose that “love” they get feelings of anxiety and depression. Love addicts very often put their partners' needs before their own. They also try to control their partner to get their own needs met. The love is self serving, and a means to avoid deep feelings.

Pia Melody states, “a love addict is someone who is dependent on, enmeshed with and compulsively focused on another person”.

What's The difference between love and romance?

The difference between love and romance is that most people get excited at the notion of falling in love. A love addict spends many hours compulsively fantasizing about the idea.

A love addict pushes for romantic excitement at high levels. They visualize an ideal love.

They create an instant closeness and serious connection, without building the relationship, through communication and shared experiences.

How does one get to know if they are in a state of Love addiction?

One theory studied showed that attachment pattern in early childhood, where a child felt that there was disorganization, avoidance and emotional detachment from caregivers, who played a part in their earlier lives, and have contributed to create the syndrome of love addiction.

Trauma can also reduce an individual's capacity for healthy relationships.

Sometimes a person will seek out an emotionally unavailable person. They might be attracted to that person because that is what they are familiar with unconsciously. They always re-enact unresolved trauma in a misguided way to heal their own past.

This may parallel with the word “tikkun” as in Tikkun Olam, which means to repair. There is an entire chapter in Jewish philosophy discussing the approach of 'Tikkun' which means fixing within a relationship to oneself and or the world.

The mishnah Gitten (which discusses divorces and relationships) addresses the works of the great Rabbi Baal Shemtov, he taught, “ a soul can purify the world”, in other words, a person plays a part in helping the world. On a personal level, a person is sent to the world on a journey, a mission for his life. It’ s believed that we have a tikkun, a repair to do within our own souls. This corresponds to the concept Patrick Carnes discusses in Recovery of addictions and Aversions, called fixing the black hole inside the soul. Fixing and repairing is very different then re-enacting a trauma.

The fixing or repairing is done on an individual basis, not by acquiring a partner to resolve your needs of unresolved trauma from your past.

A person’s tikkun is a person’s personal fixing. It’s very important that in creating healthy relationships, one does not look for a partner to help them repair their issues through the other person. Each individual must take responsibility for his or her own work.

The repairs suggested can be accomplished by developing a plan in therapy, that will prove beneficial for establishing healthy boundaries and fulfilling relationships. The therapy will offer you a chance at meeting your potential partner and building a healthy life together. Start off by loving yourself and giving yourself healthy love, rather than a broken needy unresolved self.

Consequence of Love Addiction

drama self blame

break ups low self esteem

money Issues confusion, chaos

moving from one relationship to another divorce

boundary violations broken engagements

poor identity loss of self

poor decision making delusive fantasy

loneliness isolation

avoidance unworthiness


Help for creating healthy relationships

The first step a person must take is to stop obsessive thinking about fantasy to avoid pain and past hurts of previous experiences.

As a therapist, there are ways to increase resilience to empower you.

We can review your past pain and trauma and resolve some of the confusion and chaos. There needs to be an identification and exploration of your needs, so we can set up an individual treatment for you that prepares you for a healthy, growing love relationship now and forever


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